The most useless inventions ever (unless you fancy a motorised ice-cream cone or an ear-dryer)

The most useless inventions ever (unless you fancy a motorised ice-cream cone or an ear-dryer)

Ever been plagued by damp ears after taking a shower? Or worn yourself out eating an ice cream? Well, help is at hand with the first ever battery-powered ear-dryer and motorised ice-cream cone. They are certainly up there with the most pointless inventions in the world. Here, LIZ HOLLIS gives a rundown of the latest mustn’t-have gadgets that you can easily live without.

CAT NAPKIN CHAIN: 'Drips of soup and sauce are a thing of the past' - and so is style if you wear this gadget. Tiny grippers shaped like cats hold the napkin 'exactly where you need it'. Save your tenner and do what generations have done before - tuck it into the neck of your jumper or shirt. £9.99, www. scottsofstow.co.uk

PIZZA FORK: This 'effortless way to eat pizza' has been slashed from its original price of £4.99 down to £1.49 - highlighting just how 'must-have' it isn't! A device to help you cut through crust and topping with ease. Funnily enough, those historical implements, the knife and fork, do much the same thing. £1.49, www.homeshopping.24studio.co.uk

PET MASSAGER: Is your guinea pig in need of some 'me-time'? Is your labrador frazzled after a demanding day? Soothe stressed pets with this massager which 'works to melt away tensions and relieve sore muscles and joints that come with a full day's play or advanced age'. £4.97, www.maplin.co.uk

FISH TRAINING KIT: For the sad, lonely and eternally bored, at last here is a gadget to help you teach your goldfish to perform tricks. The trouble is you need friends to show off the tricks to and if you own this, you probably don't have any. £19.99, www.lazyboneuk.com

SHAPE-UP DUMBBELL ALARM CLOCK: This combines two of life's least pleasant experiences - an early morning alarm and exercise. It's an alarm clock inside a 10kg dumbbell - and you can turn it off only with 30 upward swings. Get your exercise out of the way before breakfast or just scream and hide under the covers. £19.95, www.gizoo.co.uk

GLOVE AND BOOT DRYER: Another piece of utter clutter, this one has a built-in fan to circulate air around your wet gloves and boots. Apparently, this 'indispensable tool' keeps your gloves dry in the winter and odour-free during the summer. Put them on the radiator instead!

£14.95, www.gizoo.co.uk

THE LOO READ: This ridiculous gadget is supposed to be 'perfect for reading papers in the loo'. Available in broadsheet or tabloid versions, it seems you can also use it to 'do puzzles or apply your make-up'. It 'provides a platform for almost anything'. £59.99, www.lazyboneuk.com

PHONE FINGERS: These really are finger sleeves to help keep your precious touch-screen phone and iPod grease-free. Only truly useful for those with OCD. €9.99 (includes worldwide shipping), www.phonefingers.com

THUMBTHING: Billed as 'a brilliant new invention for reading books', it's a device that you clip over your thumb so you can read with just one hand - and eat or hopefully do something more productive with the other. £8.76 for pack of four, www.thumbthing.com

DRYEAR EAR DRYER: A machine to dry your ears after you've had a bath or been for a swim. Apparently, 'drying your ears has never been simpler or more effective'. Or, at £69, more expensive. The battery-operated device slots into the ear canal and blows hot air. Just to add to the lunacy, the instructions advise you to dry your ears with a towel first! £69, www.dryear.co.uk

LASER-GUIDED SCISSORS: This cutting-edge technology is said to help you snip in a perfect straight line. It's great in theory, but the laser is attached to the scissors - so whenever your hand shakes, so does the light. £12.67, www.inkino.co.uk

SHOWER FOOT-REST: This may have sold pre-recession, but surely a suction cup shower gadget to 'assist your balance while shaving' your legs is excessive now. Why not put your foot on the side of the bath? £10, www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk

PORTABLE ICE-CREAM BALL: 'Wouldn't it be great if you could make delicious homemade ice-cream quickly, easily and without electricity - and play ball while doing it', says the sales blurb. Fill with ice, double cream and salt, then play ball for 20 minutes and you have a pint of ice-cream - and you've had fun. But how do you track down ice and fresh cream when you're camping or at the beach? £24.95, www.firebox.com

DOGGLES: These canine sunglasses are apparently the latest in dog wear, providing 100 per cent UV protection. All Doggles have anti-fog lenses and no gaps to let in stray light, dirt or insects (phew! Wouldn't want Fido filling them with soil when he's digging a hole, or getting fogged up as he chases a rabbit!). £19.95, www.firebox.com

MOTORISED ICE-CREAM CONE: For those too idle to twist their wrist, just pop your cone inside this battery-operated turning cone and it will do all the work. You can even put it in the dishwasher, because washing up would be far too much trouble. £4.99, www.amazon.co.uk

PENAGAIN: For the terminally lazy who are too exhausted to bother holding their pen. You just slip your finger between the prongs and into the groove and writing uses even less calories. Add an elastic band and it doubles as a catapult for disgruntled office workers. From £6.95, www.thepenzone.co.uk

AVOCADO SAVER: What keeps you awake at night? Worries about your job in these credit crunch times, or how to stop your avocados wobbling over and turning brown in the fridge? Well, if it's the latter, you can rest easy because this patented gizmo keeps the lonesome leftover half comfortable in its 'adjustable strap' until you're ready to eat it next day. The ultimate gadget that you didn't even know you needed. £2.73, www.lakeland.co.uk

SLANKET: It's a fleece blanket with arms, designed so you can stay warm while flicking the remote. The Slanket is apparently 'soft, light and ludicrously snuggly' (ahem, so are most blankets) and, yippee, it's 100 per cent polyester. You can keep your entire body covered in probably the most unalluring garment ever invented. £34.95, www.firebox.com

Original article and pictures take www.dailymail.co.uk site